1980

Tales from the Crypt, volume 2, chapter 2: They're off! And it's Bubblegum sticking to the rail, but Lettuce is a head and Tomato is catching up. Down the stretch it's Rubber Band, with Banana Peel slipping up on the outside and Grandmother nagging in the rear. . . . Well, that kind of sets the scene at the 100 th annual running of the Wooden Stakes for three-year- olds at Saratoga. And it was at the Wooden Stakes that I ran into Mark Fischer. The scaly one works for Mobil in a small upstate New York town (as far as I can tell, anything above 95th street is "upstate"). Definition of a small town: I asked the guy at the burger joint, "How late are you open?" He cocks his eye and says, "Till Labor Day."

Well, the ever-expanding 'BO contingent at Columbia Law School is sporting some new faces this fall. Future Perry. Masons include Paul Elmlinger, Dan Zenkel, Stu Sarnoff, and Fred Meyerson (sounds more like the makings of a garment district conglomerate). E, Z, S, and M (now that has a familiar ring) spend most of their waking hours firmly ensconced in the library, either studying or humming up new verses to "Preppy Rap."

Dateline Omaha, Neb.: Tim O'Don- nell, the hall-of-fame halfback who led the Cornhuskers to the national title as a high school P g., has joined Blunt, Eli and Loewi Inc. BELI is a regional investment firm headquartered in Milwaukee. BELI should be making buttons.

... Anyway, O'D passes away the Midwest time watching reruns of Wild Kingdom with Marlin "I'll watch from the boat as Jim tries a full nelson on that 12-foot alligator which reminds me of life insurance ..." Perkins.

Baseball Grafitti: Jesus is the answer. What is 'he question? Who is Matty Alou's brother? Congratulations to three class of 'BO Reynolds Scholarship recipients for the 1981-82 academic year. Beth "Robber" Baron will be studying Middle Eastern history at the University of Lon- don. Jill Fredston and Kristin Lord will be in Cambridge, England. Jill will be at the (Great) Scott Polar Research Institute, while Kristin is in her second year of study in classics ('36 Packard, '56 Thunderbird, etc.) at Newnham College. I tried to ask Beth what it's like to be a world- renowned scholar but she brushed me off. "I'd like to match wits with you, Mike, but I never fight an unarmed man."

As the brides go tearing by . . . Stick your ear to the ground and you'll hear the clatter of aislebound hooves all over the land. Gary St. Pierre announced his engagement to Jean Ann Rotundo (Mary Hitchcock School of Nursing) a while back. They plan to wed next spring. They're going to get married then, too. Kick save and a beauty ... Jim Jankowski faces his last one-on-one breakaway with his engagement to Shari Lynn Medina 'Bl. Jim's a computer analyst with the Ontario Safety Construction Company (makes pooper scoopers) in Toronto.

Congratulations to Craig Steiger, that old scoundrel. He's been named an assistant secretary of Manufacturer's Hanover Trust's in- ternational division. It seems Craig's on his way to a starting berth on the C and G (corruption and graft) team.

"Stroke 'til it hurts" is her motto. And for Carlie Geer, it's been a healthy one recently. Carlie and her sister Judy '75 rowed as the U.S. women's doubles and placed fifth in the Worlds in Munich last August. Yowzah! And both Geers were members of the 1980 Olympic team. I guess those two are sort of like Merrill Lynch truly a breed apart.

Are you a) having a party? b) having a baby? c) having a cow during midterms at law school? Are you d) getting ahead? e) getting behind? f) getting bummed because you haven't seen your name in print except for "Police Notes"? Well, don't get mad, get even. Once again, I send out microwaves to the four corners of the earth, urg- ing the 'Bos to keep my mailbag stuffed. As always, bribe rates are available on request. Visa, Mastercard, and American Express are welcome.

Beloch of the month: This award-winner swept the ballots and is one odds-on favorite for beloch of the year as well. Cruisin' Katie Wylie spiced a recent Mexican dinner party with a stunning Foster Brooks impersonation, highlighted by upsetting a platter and filling her espadrilles with taco sauce. Later, she asked someone to dance. "No thanks," replied the timid soul, "I don't think my Blue Cross covers it."

Well, that's all she wrote, folks. Put on your 3-D glasses and tune in next month when guest secretary Lola Falana reveals, "How I stole Wade Herring's heart and stomped that sucker flat." Same mud time, same mud channel.

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