1980

Tales From the Crypt, Chapter V: Did you hear that Exxon and Ex-Lax were preparing to merge? Yup, and it seems all systems were go until the S.E.C. caught wind of the proposed slogan, "Gas or no gas, we keep you going."

So sit back, take a shot of your industrialstrength Lavoris, and, gas or no gas, let's get going. . . .

Dateline: Des Moines, lowa. I might as well start off with the biggest news item. Joe Morotti, that bender of spaghetti non-pareil, is working here in a Department of Agriculture lab. Little Joe, alias "Kid Defoliant," has been grinding up soybeans for residues which are then used to make pesticides and herbicides. Pesticides? From soybeans? "Don't worry," says Joe, "it's organic. ..." Keep that in mind when you order your next quarter-pounder.

No small item himself, Greg Clinton has been teaching elementary school in San Francisco. With his 8-foot 11-inch frame, "Lighthouse" must look to his students like a runaway from the Sequoia National Forest. I've heard he's the biggest thing to hit the streets of San Francisco since Hula Hoops, Karl Maiden, and pierced left ears. Also playing games with ten year-old minds is John Slocum who is teaching school in Connecticut. John coached some of the youngsters in football and his motto was "win one for the Gipper." I think the kids took his motto to heart; their final record was 1 and 6.

I ran into Laurel Smith in Boston a while ago. She offered me a pinch of Skoal and told me about her job as a Western Electric engineer in Burlington, Mass. She also told me something about a new roommate.

Third floor, ladies lingerie: Katie Currier had been working for Filene's department store in Boston but she says the job just didn't pan out. "So what are you up to now?," I asked. "I have a job, Mike, but I'm not going to tell you what it is." Well, you'll have to figure that one out for yourselves, gang. Katie did tell me her roommate Pat Guiney is an electrical engineer at Draper Labs. Sounds like a curtain factory, yes, but Pat insists they are "dedicated to building a better mousetrap."

Growth report: Parker Small is tearing up the advertising world at Leo Burnett in Chicago. Parker says there really is a lot to do in the windy city. He gave up drawing connectthe-dots on his wing tips long ago.

South's gonna do it again? Rob Daisley sent me a comprehensive report of "life with the wahoos at U.V.A. Law." Dais thoughtfully gave me various mud on all of the 17 Dartmouth alums in his first-year class. Because so little of the information is printable, I will summon my Rona Barrett qualities and invent something. Several N.A.S.A. clothiers raced to Charlottesville in an effort to outfit Steve Bullock in his new three-piece asbestos suit. Apparently, Steve was called on when he managed to be absent for two civil procedure classes in a row. But the professor remembered and called on the wayward one the last day of class, so "Mr. Bullock" had a chance to hone his skills of verbal double-dribbling.

"Hard to believe, but Paul Mourning finally batted over .300," continued Rob, "this time in a co-ed Softball league. And Dale Schwindemann is also down in Charlottesville but he's married and of course has no sympathy for the plight of the single male." Rob gets the high five for the line about Dan Holmes and his roommate Bob Jahrling '79. Mr. Jahrling broke up a criminology class when the professor asked him "guilty or not guilty?" Bob replied, "Book him, Danno."

Misery loves company: 'BO marriages continue to dot the horizon. Congratulations are in order for Nancy Jepsen and Kris Treu who will take the proverbial plunge next summer. Nancy and Kris are both in law school at Ohio State which has always been known for its good defense. And three cheers to Nancy Rockwell who is really doing a half-gainer off the deep end with Matthew Hopkins on June 13. The wedding will be the biggest event in Kennebunk since Bert and I first said "Ayuh." But remember that weddings Down East in Maine can be tough to find because "you can't get there from heah."

Last of the great roadtrips: Mike Perella announced his engagement to Alison Snow (Wellesley '80). The wedding is set for September so save some rice. Every fifth year, when reunions roll around, Mike and Alison won't have to worry about having to choose whether to spend the reunion in Wellesley or Hanover. They've decided to compromise and meet half way Manchester, N.H., in 1985.

Spanky's-believe-it-or-not: Laura Guiliano is in Boston working for a management consulting firm by the name of Cleaver and Company. You heard it here first. She wouldn't admit it at first, but Beaver ("gee") and Wally ("golly") are the majority stock holders. No word on Eddie Haskell. . . . But the word on Carolyn Eich, Dartmouth's own Pelee (female Pele) was that after coaching soccer in Wellesley, Mass., she worked at E.M.S. "selling Top Siders, striped belts, chamois shirts and the rest of Andy Sheehan's wardrobe." At last report, Carolyn was headed home to Syracuse looking for work in sports medicine. Well, if the Jets and Giants continue their masochistic ways, Eich won't look far.

The beloch-of-the-month goes to none other than yours truly. I'm quickly learning about the major-league hassle that is called moving to New York. After dealing with the criminal real estate brokers ("sign here, kid, we'll take care of the rest," and "taken," you are ... ) you're in for your first brush with the landlords who are well versed in the various water and bamboo tortures. Then bring on the movers! Typical situation: Brainless Van Lines, Inc. has a couple of Bronco Nagurski-types unpack the crate with your furniture (which after too many bumps on Route 95 is now top quality kindling). First Bronko (same guy who thought Elysian Fields was a football stadium) turns to me and says, "Hey, Mistah, where do you want me to put the firewood?"

Well, that's all she wrote, kids. Besides, I'm so thirsty I could belch dust. And when you've said Bud. . . .

80 Wilsondale St. Dover, Mass. 02030