1980

Tales from the Crypt, Volume XIII, Chapter 8: According to tradition, the first Saturday in May is marked by a field of fleet three-year-olds in a glorious run for the roses. This year that morning was calm and clear and eerily quiet. There was little warning that on Saturday, May 1, 1993 a date which will live in infamy the featured event of the day was not the ninth race at Churchill Downs but the first at Old Oaks, where the former Miss Michele Crames took leave of her senses and married the former Dan Zenkel. Purists handicapping the event said this was one for the ages. In an effort to follow Mark Twain's advice, it's important to "Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please."

And they're off... and it's Bubblegum sticking to the rail... Banana Feel slipping up on the outside ... To kick the weekend off Dan hosted a golf tournament, the Dalai Lama Invitational. Drew Dougherty was low-net, yours truly was high gun, and the caddies were just plain high. Lettuce is ahead... while Tomato is catching up... Marv Albert delivered the keynote toast at the rehearsal dinner: "When I think of the greatest Knicks fans of all time Peter Boyle, Woody Allen, Dustin Hoffman, Spike Lee, John McEnroe, and so on quite frankly, Dan, your name does not come to mind." The wedding was a formal extravaganza with all the men in black tie, while Michele looked radiant in white lace over a kevlar vest. It was indeed like a page out of Brides magazine. Jeff Citrin put First Boston (where he structures mortgage finance deals) on hold long enough to usher in the guests. It's Rubber Band in the stretch... with Grandmother nagging in the rear ... At the reception, a man seemingly cloned from Frank Sinatra's larynx crooned the night away. .. "Come Fly With Me." Meanwhile, in a corner by the bar, a small group of rebels sang "The sun shines bright on my old Kentucky home." Now that clay pipes have gone the way of the buffalo, it's nice to know that some traditions never fail. On the dance floor, Diane and Winston Hutchins, Leigh and Bob Garry, and Jean and Pete Scanned put a whole new meaning to the term "Twist and Shout." As one witness noted, "there's a whole lot of fasttwitch muscles right there." And here they of come ... down to the wire... Durante and Giraffe are neck and neck ... and Durante takes it by a nose ... This has been one for the ages.

Hawaiian Punch: Some people are content to fight the crowds in congested cities, breathe dirty air, and shovel snow eight months a year. We just don't get the joke. Bob Henderson, on the other hand, gets the joke. Hendo is the head of the Upper School at Seabury Hall, a private school in Maui. This puts a new spin on the infamous "Book 'em, Danno." Bob married Ross Thayer two years ago. Between teaching and administration, it's a busy schedule, but Bob still gets out on his Duke Mokahanni Big Board ("12 feet of pulsating Pacific pleasure") which has made him sort of a local legend on the island. "I just lather up some number-30 block on my dome and put Dr. Zogs wax on my board, and I'm ready for action. The only problem is when I get them mixed up."

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