1980

Tales From the Crypt, Volume XTV, Chapter 8: Boll Weevil meets the Terminator: Greg Henry writes from the 4H Club of Texas (Hazy, Hot, and Humid Houston), where he works for Farm Bureau Insurance in the Wholesale Cotton Crop unit of the Seasonal Wholesale Agricultural Trading Division. No, I didn't make this up. Greg recently won the Masters Division (between 35 and 40, no recent steroid abuse) of a statewide bench-press contest. His winning lift was 185. Big Green football fans may recall that Greg was the mayor of Muscle Beach as early as freshman year. "Big enough to eat hay," said one football coach. Anyway, that 185 he lifted was in kilograms not pounds. Two-point-two times 185 ... Not bad for an old guy.

Babes in Toyland Christmas came early for Kathy and Dennis Lawson last year. Lan Hugh Lawson is the latest member of a long line of power forwards, and he tipped the scales at a little over nine pounds. Dad was so fired up he was arranging pick-up games in the birthing room (naturally, lan was "skins"). Three months later, lan's the only infant at Moms and Tots who can dunk at Nerf hoops. With three kids, Kathy is now living proof that De Vries was right. A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.

Chicago Bares, Cont'd: Congratulations to Susan and Bill White on the birth of their running back, Charles Thomas White. The littlest member of the Shoes clan, nicknamed "Booties," is doing fine. You might remember that Charlie's sister Caroline was born during the great Chicago flood two years ago. Charlie weighed eight pounds, one ounce, while Caroline, the flood baby, tipped the scales at five quarts, two ounces.

Frequent Fliers at al: honorary 'BO and exchange student from Cameroon Mia Kulpah is doing what she does best. As a flight attendant for American she's met some interesting people over the years, including Bill Clinton ("Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be ..."), Sinead O'Connor ("poster child for Prozac"), John Wayne Bobbin ("The whole thing is just nuts."), and Tonya Harding ("She may just end up going the way of the buffalo, the dodo, and Heidi Fleiss after all."). Mia says she's on the road so much she makes Willie Nelson look like a shut-in. I'm reminded of the sportswriter who covered the NCAA basketball tournament. For him, "March Madness" was nine games and 14,000 miles in four days. When he'd walk into an aircraft cabin, he was beginning to see two sections coach and assistant coach. He was so tired he was certain of only one thing the rule book is right: traveling is a violation.

Have you put off paying your class dues? Are you still holding on to that first communion money? Does a flock of moths emerge every time you open your wallet? If so, then get with it. Pull out the checkbook and do a little creative writing. It may not hurt as much as you think, and it helps to keep you informed with College mailings and award-winning magazines like this one. You don't have to be a doctoral student of Chou En-Lai to realize you never get something for nothing. See you next month, same '80 time, same '80 channel...

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