THEY CONVENIENTLY FORGOT TO MENTIONTHESE IN THE RECRUITING BROCHURES.
Somehow, they don't make the campus tour either. And those warm an uzzy viewbooks the College pumps out? Not a chance. Welcome to that private place at Dartmouth where only the most hearty o granite-laden souls dare to go. This is a place where lactic acid builds its home, where legs shake, muscles cramp and bodies can only crawl back to their dorms with a whimper. . These are the Workouts from Hell—the most masochistic, sadistic, torturous tributes to fitness that Dartmouth coaches use to condition their unsuspecting athletes. We have cut away the merely tiring, the simply strenuous. These aren't the everyday sprint, stadium-climb or drop-and-give-me-20 kinds of drills. These combine creativity, novelty and an extremely elevated heart rate into one neat, sweaty package. These are the best. These are the worst.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO STRETCH FIRST
ERGOMETER GOLF
TEAM: MEN'S CREW
DRILL: Using indoor rowing machines (ergometers), each rower "plays" a round of "golf" by rowing a set of 18 different distances, with breaks between holes. Holes vary in length from 150 to 575 meters, and scoring is based on the time it takes to complete the hole (a very fast time gets an eagle or birdie, an average time gets a par, slow time gets a bogey or worse).
COACH'S EXPLANATION: "The best way to train during the winter time is using the ergometers, but that can get pretty boring," says Dick Grossman. "So years ago we realized we had to make it a little more interesting."
WHEN DRILL IS USED: "He always seems to pick Saturday morning of Winter Carnival," says John Nichols 'O1. "You've just rolled out of bed all bleary-eyed and made your way down to the gym. And he has this nice smile on his face and tells us we're going to play erg golf. That's just not something you want to hear at that point."
HOW DRILL BEGINS: Grossman yells, "Fore!" THE CATCH: Recovery time between holes is unmercifully short, so pacing is key. "It's not too difficult to do it once," Nichols says. "Doing it 18 times gets a little tough. The freshmen always try to wail at first and eagle their way through. They generally make it a few holes and they're toast after that."
WHAT HAPPENS TO ROWERS WHO THINK THEY'RE TIGER WOODS: 'At the beginning, a lot of people talk like that," Grossman says. 'At the end, usually I'm the only one talking."
BOOT FACTOR: High. "Halfway through I tell them they have an extra minute of rest they can spend in the clubhouse, and they can get a hot dog if they want," Grossman says. "Usually, it's when I mention the hot dog that the first person throws up."
CIRCLE OF DEATH
TEAM: WOMEN'S SOCCER DRILL: The team forms a circle and must keep six medicine balls, ranging in weight from 10 to 16 pounds, passing around the circle for two minutes. Strength and conditioning coach Jane Taylor has four rules: Your elbows must stay above your ears, you cannot rest your arms by clasping your fingers on your head, you can't drop the ball and, most importantly, you must scream, "I will not quit," whenever you make a pass. Any rules infractions result in an extra 30 seconds being tacked on to the end of the drill.
COACH'S EXPLANATION: "I usually do it with them," women's soccer coach Erica Walsh says. "I tell them that if I can do it, they can do it. Of course, I do have trouble lifting my arms to wash my hair the next day."
WHEN DRILL IS USED: "If I feel like mentally they're getting a little soft, I whip it out on them," Taylor says. It usually happens a few times a term.
THE NAME EXPLAINED: It used to be called "Mcdicine Ball Around the World," but that somehow lacked the necessary element of dread. Jessica Post 'oo explains: "It just seemed 'Circle of Death' was more fitting."
THE CATCH: Someone is shouting, "I will not quit," into your face from 10 inches away every few seconds. If she had Hop fries for lunch, you'll know it.
THE STRATEGY; Since you can't bend your elbows to adjust for height, the circle has to be arranged with tall players in one part, short players in another. "You don't want someone who is taller passing to someone who is shorter," says Katie Gayman 'O1. "That's just bad news."
BUT THE BALL NEVER DROPS BECAUSE: Everyone is afraid of the 30-second penalty, and even more afraid of Taylor, who has been dubbed "The Mistress of Pain."
YOU WON'T BOOT BUT: "As soon as Jane blows the whistle at the end of the drill," Walsh says, "everyone just drops to the ground."
THE FIVE-MILE RUN
TEAM: FIELD HOCKEY DRILL: After going through a full weight-room workout, a full sprint workout and a set of stadium climbs, the entire team must run five miles in under 40 minutes as a fitness test.
THE CATCH: Its really a joke. THE BEST PART: The freshmen don't know it. "We really talk it up from the beginning of the year," coach Amy Fowler says. "We tell them in this serious voice it's something the team does together, and everyone has to finish under the time or it doesn't count." Some freshmen have been known to cry the night before.
HOW IT'S DONE: After the "warm-up," the juniors and sopho- mores take off from the front of Alumni Gym at a full sprint. The seniors and the now-petrified freshmen follow a few minutes later "I can still remember the looks on their faces when we took off," says Cynthia (Roberts) Blouch '96. "You could just tell they're thinking, 'There's no way.'"
NEXT: The seniors lead the freshmen down to Tom Dent Cabin and stop, telling them to rest because they know a "short cut" that will allow them to make the required time but not have to run the entire way.
EXCEPT: After a few minutes, the coaches "discover" the slacking team members behind the cabin. Then the fun begins. "We just startyelling, 'What's going on here?'" Fowler says. "We pretty much rip them a new one, and keep going at it as long as we can keep a straight face."
HOW MUCH THE FRESHMEN BUY IT: Hook, line and sinker," says Lauren Talbot '04. "I was just trying to find someone to hide behind." Blouch remembers, "Even after someone starts laughing, it takes a good five minutes for everyone to realize it's a joke." After everyone clues in, the team heads inside the cabin for a pasta party.
BOOT FACTOR: Low, with a few exceptions. One year Talbot got so worked up she vomited before the run even began. Strength and conditioning coach Jane Taylor says, "I've never seen anyone boot so much in my life. She was the queen of booters."
THE MILE SKATE
TEAM: MEN'S HOCKEY
DRILL: Hockey players are usually gassed after a two-minute shift during a game; this drill involves 20 minutes of nonstop skating. The team assembles in two groups in the corners of the rink. The first group starts by touching the goal and skating back, then the next group touches the goal and skates back. Then it's out to the blue line and back and to the goal and back. Then it's red line and back, blue line and back, goal and back. This keeps progressing until every line on the ice has been touched. Then they repeat the drill in reverse, starting with the farthest lines and working their way back.
COACH'S EXPLANATION: "It reinforces our work ethic," says Bob Gaudet '81. "It's sort of a mental reprogramming of the priorities. In kind of a sadistic way, I think the kids enjoy it."
WHEN DRILL IS USED: "Whenever we need to get our act together," says Mike Byrne 'O1. "Whenevercoach senses a need for us to be a little more disciplined."
IT'S CALLED THE MILE SKATE BUT: Your distance may vary.
HOW THEY KNOW IT'S COMING: "When I put them in the corner, they know they're in for it," Gaudet says. "It's generally the last thing they do in practice. When you blow guys out like that, they're not much good afterward."
WHAT THEY HATE ABOUT IT: straight skating," Byrne says. "When you're going five-on-five on the ice, it's one thing to be doing a lot of skating. But when there's no puck in sight and no goal in sight, it becomes a lot harder to push yourself."
WHAT THEY LIKE ABOUT IT: "There's a sense of accomplishment, "Byrne says. "But the best part is you realize practice is over."
YOU WON'T BOOT BUT: You won't be able to walk, either.
MOOSILAUKE TIME TRIAL
TEAM: MEN'S AND WOMEN'S SKI TEAMS
DRILL: Team members run to the top of Mt. Moosilauke, from base to summit, as fast as they can. The race begins at a tree—it's the same one every year—at the entrance of the Gorge Brook Trail and ends with a touch of the plaque at the top.
COACH'S EXPLANATION: "It's the ultimate test of fitness, and it's definitely a killer climb," Ruff Patterson says. "It's a big deal, especially for the cross-country guys. They start the trash-talking weeks ahead of time. I think it's how everyone really measures how far they've come."
WHEN DRILL IS USED: Usually the last week of October and, for anyone who might miss it the first time around, in the middle of the summer.
THE CATCH: "In 2000 it didn't finish in the traditional spot because there was a raging blizzard at the top," Patterson says. "We've had some brutal days weather-wise. Guys will start in T-shirts or no shirts at the bottom, and up at the top it will be howling wind and freezing temperatures. The mud in the middle gets to be interesting, too."
BEST TIME EVER, MEN: Adam Heaney '93,36:l7. BEST TIME EVER, WOMEN: Aliette Frank '00,44:35. IT'S NOT SO BAD BECAUSE: Dozens of alumni, faculty and community members come to do it each year for fun.
IT'S SO BAD BECAUSE: "It's just nothing but pain," says Jessica Smith '99. "The worst part is coming back down. You're walking at that point, but you're all tired and you're just praying you don't twist an ankle."
BOOT FACTOR: Medium. "You find out pretty quickly who's in mountain-running shape and who isn't," Patterson says. "There are a couple of people who have to pull off the trail every year."
THE SOUND OF MUSIC RUN
TEAM: MEN'S AND WOMEN'S CROSS COUNTRY
DRILL: The team runs across the Connecticut River to Norwich, then the timed portion of the workout begins. The 4.2 mile course climbs almost straight up for 2 miles, then meets the rolling hills of the Appalachian Trail.
COACH'S EXPLANATION: I keep a list of the top 10 finishers ever," says women's coach Ellen O'Neil '87. "They know who is ranked where and they want to see how they stack up with some of the great runners we've had here."
WHEN DRILL IS USED: Once a year, at the beginning of October.
THE CATCH: Around the 3-mile mark, there are usually someloose—and not terribly friendly—dogs. Goats, horses and cows have also made themselves obstacles in the past.
THE NAME EXPLAINED: Olympic marathoner Bob Kempainen '88 first christened it "The Sound of Music Run" because the last mile goes along a ridge with a commanding view of the town of Norwich and it reminded him of the classic Julie Andrews scene.
WHY THEY LOOK FORWARD TO THE RUN: "It almost becomes a meet in itself," says Erin Dromgoole 'O1. "It gets built up a lot over the season. I couldn't tell you my time in the NCAAs, but I can tell you my time in The Sound of Music Run. It was 27 minutes, 48 seconds."
WHY THEY DON'T: "Just that first hill at full speed makes your legs Burn," O'Neil says. "But then you have a few more miles of rolling hills to contend with."
YOU WON'T BOOT BUT: "You'll pass people who have had to pull over into a bush," Dromgoole says. "It's not people spewing. It's people, um, having digestion problems."
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
TEAM: MEN'S SWIMMING THE DRILL: It starts with one 300-yard set, then continues with two 275-yard sets, three 250-yard sets and so on. It keeps going all the way up to 12 25-yard sets. All told, the team swims 9,100 yards—or a little more than five miles.
COACH'S EXPLANATION: "They look forward to it from a challenge standpoint," says Jim Wilson. "They know it's one of the rites of passage. If I didn't do it, they'd miss it. It's a tradition. When they start, they're saying, 'Oh, okay, we can do this.' They forget it takes about two hours and 15 minutes to do."
WHEN DRILL IS USED: At inopportune times. "It seems like he usually hauls it out right after New Year's," says Nathan Fidel '02. "Maybe you're still a little drunk from New Year's Eve, and then Jim throws this set on us. I can't say it's fun with a hangover."
THE CATCH: Despite the name of the drill,you don't get five goldenings and the seven swans aren't the ones doing the swimming.
WHAT, YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO BREATHE, TOO? In muggy, soupy-aired Karl Michael Pool, it's tough to grab a breath of fresh air. "You're gasping for oxygen in a facility not known for its ventilation," Fidel says. "It's pretty much hell on the lungs."
BOOT FACTOR: High. 'l've seen a lot of guys get out of the pool and throw up," Fidel says. "Thirty minutes into it, guys who didn't swim over Christmas break lose it. Afterwards, there are some pale-looking kids on the pool deck. Everyone makes it, though." Wilson insists, "I'm not out to get anyone to throw up. But it happens. It happens every time."
STADIUM PIGGYBACKS
TEAM: FOOTBALL DRILL: Team members pair off by weight. First one carries the other to the top of the visiting bleachers at Memorial Stadium. Then the carrier becomes the carried.
COACH'S EXPLANATION: "We only go up," says former strength and conditioning coach Jay Butler. "If we tried to go down, there would probably be some deaths."
WHEN DRILL IS USED: Butler usually dragged it out at least once during two-a-day practices in August, but it can also come any other time during the year. "There's some kind of lore to it," says Caleb Moore 'O1. "Everyone from years past says, 'Just wait until you do piggybacks.'"
THE CATCH: It usually comes during the first practice of the summer—when everyone is already gassed and no one has the legs for it.
AN ABSOLUTELY PRECIOUS SIGHT: Watching one offensive lineman trying to carry another offensive lineman to the top. 'All of the skill guys—the running backs, the quarterbacks, they all race to the top," says Moore, whose playing weight his senior year was 308. "The guys everyone is paying to watch are the 300-pounders. Because you're not only carrying up your own 300 pounds. That's tough enough. You've got someone else's 300 pounds, too."
JUST BE THANKFUL: They're doing this on the visitors' side. If those bleachers collapse from the strain, you'll still have a place to sit.
MORE GOOD NEWS: "Guys who collapse generally fall forward," Moore says. "So the guy on back is able to catch himself somehow."
BOOT FACTOR: High. "Definitely a huge boot factor," Butler confirms. And it can have spectacular visual results. "When they boot off the side of the visiting bleachers, it's a long way down," says Dan Hutchinson '01. "That's a real pretty sight—vomit floating in the wind."
"IT REINFORCES OUR WORK ETHIC. SADISTIC WAY, I THINK THE KIDS ENJOY IT."808 GAUDET '81, HOCKEY COACH PIN KIND OF A
BRAD PARKS, a sportswriter for the Star-Ledger in Newark, NewJersey, is the founding editor of Dartmouth's The Sports Weekly.
