1984

In the year and a half since we've graduated from Dartmouth, many things have happened. Some of our classmates are married, and the first children have already begun to arrive. After some investigation into this, I've come to some pretty startling conclusions, It seems that those same people who were the first to marry are the first ones having children!

I was shocked, and I'd like these people to know that I find their behavior deplorable. I mean, why should they be getting all the class milestones (first to marry, first child), while the rest of us toil away in relative obscurity? It seems to be a classic case of unequal distribution of the awards.

I don't know about you people, but I don't plan on sitting around while these milestone grabbers gobble up every worthwhile achievement in life, leaving me with the "also ran" achievements. I've decided to go out and claim a milestone as my very own.

I would like to make the official announcement in this column. I, Eric Grubman (I finally got to see my name in boldface), would like to take this opportunity to officially announce my retirement. No more of the working world for me; I quit. I admit that I had some good times while working) but I couldn't let that stand in the pursuit of my first

"first." In recognition of my accomplishments, my coworkers presented me with a gold-tinted watch band for "almost a year of loyal service," and I headed out to the legendary shuffleboard courts of Eastem Long Island to enjoy my retirement.

I realize that this announcement may trigger a run on the "milestones" market, so to be fair I've decided to assign milestones to the rest of you. Without further ado, here we go.

The first member of the class to do volunteer work with sex offenders in Alaska is Doug Hanshaw. Doug, who hangs out with his fiance 9 Sanders '86, hopes to break into the exciting world of psychology. According to an informal poll, Doug will be the 57th person to break into psychology. Doug recently quit his job (there is a distinction between quit and retired) and is now desperately seeking gainful employment (this category includes virtually the entire class, so I will not try to rate him), and subsists on comic books and Rainier Beer.

Tien Wong either works for the Coldwell Banker - or is it the Coldwell banker - I'm not sure which. Tien writes to tell us that he's a publicity hound (number 566) and seeks his name in print. You may recall that Tien was the marketing genius behind the "Men of the Ivy League" calendar (the humiliation over my exclusion still haunts me). Anyway, Tien (a.k.a. Coldwell) works in the mortgage department and plans to enroll in a M.B.A. program in the fall of 1986.

Steve Winter is in medical school (number 1324), while Mark Lewis and TrentCopeland are in law school (numbers 5000 and 5001, respectively).

The first person in the class to be a member of the studio audience of the "Wheel of Fortune" is Regina Figge, who works for an environmental consulting company in Cambridge, Mass. Regina doesn't know it yet, but she will also become the first member of the class to house 500 fellow '84s after a football game.

The first member of the class to dive into a swimming pool while wearing a tuxedo at the wedding of a close friend is either Kevin Rosen or Randy Stearns, I can't remember which. The wedding united Allen Waxman and Sharon Lazar Waxman '83.

Another big milestone that went by the wayside this month is the first person to rent a 30-foot sailboat and go sailing on the Chesapeake Bay. The honor is shared between Mara Rudman, Dave "Skip"Carlson, Rob Abramson, and MaryMeeker. The foursome also became the first to win the dubious honor of losing a 30-foot rented sailboat which they rented to go sailing in the Chesapeake Bay. Marsha Trant, the roomate of Mara, became the first person in the class to bail her roommate out of debtor's prison.

In the newspaper industry, Sue Shoenberger has just switched jobs (number 400). Sue was working for a small paper in Northwest Connecticut; now she's working for a medium-sized paper outside of Hartford.

The first person in her class to invite me to her Christmas party is DebbieSchupack, who has just taken a journalism job in North Carolina. I don't know who else is invited to this party, but you can be sure of one thing; any party that I'm invited to can't be too exclusive. See you next month, and I hope you get a milestone before all of the good ones are taken.

1 Cindy Court Melville, NY 11747