HOW TO GET PAID TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH

TV SITCOM EXECUTIVE

There are two general paths that the aspiring comedy writer (read: person who has failed to cultivate any skill other than his natural sense of pith/ironic detachment) can follow to achieve success.

PATH I: This delightful technique takes advantage of your very troubled childhood, alienation from family and undercurrent of seething hostility. Qualifications: You've ideally grown up sleeping in a coat closet, all of your dreams and selfworth have been drummed out of you by your sixth birthday and you're incapable of maintaining a relationship. You are what psychologists term a "stand-up comedian." The good news is, when you get around to writing, your humor will be raw and real and often brilliant. Then you'll be able to afford therapy.

PATH 2: Be relatively happy, relatively neurotic, relatively funny and Ivy League-educated. In comedy writing, the Ivy graduate will find that doors fling wide open, carpets roll out and the job offers come aknockin'. There's only one catch: Your Ivy League diploma should read "Harvard." So if you're still an undergraduate, consider transfering or refocusing your efforts on something Dartmouth churns out expertly, such as musicologists or bankers or people who know how to pick out two-by-fours.

Of course, you can become successful just by writing funny things consistently, but that's way too hard to be worth it. But before you choose your path, ask yourself, "Why do I want to be a comedy writer?" Whatever your answer is, criticize your- self relentlessly until you cry. Then take the MCATS.

Venokur, a former MTV writer,served as executive producer ofNBC's Third Rock From the Sun forfive years. He's now working on adevelopment project that could becomea new television show. He majored in English.