1984

If I calculated this correctly, this column marks the beginning of our second academic year out of Dartmouth. In a surprise move, everyone who was in medical school is now in law school. Everyone who was in law school now works for Morgan Stanley. In contrast, everyone at Morgan Stanley now works at Bain, and everyone at Bain has been fired. I am still at the same job, but if anyone wants to trade, my bags are packed. Well, that's about all the news I have for this month; see you next month.

But wait! I just got another idea (the faithful reader will groan in anticipation). I'll bet that many of you would like to quit your jobs, but don't know how to do it. "Where would I go?" and "What would I do?" you ask yourself. Well, I'm here to help. In preparation, I've spent several months reading the personals ads that appear in many magazines, all delivered to my home, in plain brown wrappers. I now feel ready to give it a try with you people. Now, I'm not sure that all of the following people hate their jobs, but a little thing like the truth has never stopped me before. Well, without further ado, I present the "personals" section of the class of 1984.

Wonderfully articulate and intelligent SWM seeks someone, anyone, to take my job. Perks include housekeeper, cook, night watchman, free home, walking distance to both Zaire River and U.S. Embassy. Disadvantages include no roads, nowhere to go. Send photo, bio to JohnPenrose, Citibank Zaire, S.A.R.L., Box 9999, Kinshasa, Zaire.

I like sleeping late! So teaching isn't for this SWM. If you ever wanted to teach math at a sunny California prep school, this is the job for you. Benefits include two hours of horseback riding per day, many vacation days. Disadvantages include getting up early, grading papers. Contact Tom McDougal at the Thacher School. Photo, bio a must.

If you enjoy living in Brooklyn, artsy types for roommates, and working in publishing, then you can have my job. Send photo, bio to John Landrigan, care of Viking Press.

I hate Harvard! SWM law student wants out in a big way. Has appeared in law school production of "Starry Decisis" (law school joke, I guess) but yearns to be back on the radio. Benefits include not

having to work for a living. Disadvantages include usual school-related activities, i.e., studying. For further briefs, contact Dan Daniels. No brokers, please.

How would you like to work in the incredibly glamorous world of banking? Well, you can have my job. I'm young, single, and work for U.S. Trust Company of New York. Please direct all inquires to Bobby Banks.

This concludes the "personals" section of our column. Tune in next month for more job openings. Now back to our regularly scheduled column.

I was fortunate enough to be invited to the wedding of Allen Waxman and Sharon Lazar '83. I later discovered, after accepting the invitation, that I am supposed to wear a black tie to the event. Now I don't mean to bite the hand that feeds me, but this seems to be a bit presumptuous, don't you think? I mean, they tell me I have to wear a black tie, and they don't even know what color my sports jacket is. To my chagrin, I later learned that "black tie" is the gift I'm supposed to bring. I'll bet that someone else has an invitation that reads "argyle socks" or "three-speed blender."

I also heard from Bob Wiskind, who spent the summer working in the Clinical Research Facility at Emory University Hospital, where he is also attending medical school. Now, if you ever wondered what type of research your tax dollars fund, I have the answer. Bob is involved in studying "the nutritive value of alcohol," and volunteers are welcome. Not only are they welcome, but they get paid $100 per week. Before you all rush to your phones, let me warn you: you have to spend a month in the hospital, hooked up to a variety of uncomfortable machines.

Well, folks, I hate to rush out on you like this, but 7:30 approaches, the magical hour when I welcome Dr. Pat Sajak and the lovely Vanna White into my living room, via the miracle of television, for another episode of "Wheel of Fortune." I hope you don't think I'm too rude, but I really mustn't be late. See you next month.

1 Cindy Court Melville, NY 11747