1984

"Good morning, class, and welcome back to school. The topic for today's lesson is, 'What I did on my summer vacation.' You in the corner. Stand up, state your name, and tell us something interesting about yourself."

"My name is Karen Thomsen, and I was engaged to Don Trost in the spring. We plan to be married in May 1987. Three of my friends in the class will be bridesmaids: Gail Marino, Karen Peterson, and Cheryl Baylor. I also had a summer job at John Wiley and Sons, NYC publishers. Terry Ann Kremer works there too."

"Well, Karen, it seems like you have a very active imagination for a third-grader. Why don't you sit down, and after recess we can go talk to the principal about your imagination. Who wants to be next?"

"My name is Kym Fahlbeck, and I spent my summer working in Tempe, Ariz., for Prentice-Hall, another publishing firm. I also got engaged, but not to Karen Thomsen's boyfriend, to my own boyfriend, Taylor Conlan '85. Taylor is an assistant branch manager at Bank of America in California when he isn't DJ-ing. He will not, I repeat, not, be DJ-ing our wedding on February 1."

"Now, Kym, I don't know what sort of substitute teacher you take me for, but that story is almost identical to the previous one. If you can't think of an original idea, please don't bother standing up. This goes for the rest of you as well; I don't want to hear any more stories about people that spent the summer working in publishing and getting engaged. Next?"

"My name is Isaac Gray, and over the summer, I was given the Air Assault Badge after graduating from the army's Air Assault School in Kentucky. This means that I learned to jump out of a helicopter while it was still flying, and other neat-o things."

"That's very interesting, Isaac. But how many times does the bus driver have to tell you to remain in your seat until the bus comes to a complete stop? You do not jump out of helicopters when they are still moving, just like you do not run in the halls during a fire drill. You have just earned yourself one week's detention, mister. Now, who wants to be next?"

"My name is A1 Chaker, and I spent my summer at Aviation Officer Training School for the Navy. I finished up the summer by being commissioned as an ensign. It was in this course that I learned to do such neat-o things as push Isaac Gray out of moving helicopters."

"Now, A1, you know the rules about horseplay on the bus. The same thing applies to you as it does to Isaac. No more horseplay on school grounds. Detention for two weeks. Next?"

"My name is Andrew Diamond, and I'm not really a third-grader. The writer of this column must be confused. You see, I'm a third-year medical student at Cornell, and I just wanted to say that I'm engaged to my longtime girlfriend, Patrice . . ."

"Listen, pal, I don't know who you are, and I don't know what you think you're doing, but you don't belong in this classroom. Now I suggest you beat it before the hall monitor shows up and you get into real trouble! Now, are there any more wise-guys in the class, or can we get on with the lesson? You there. Stand up and tell us your story."

"My name is John Lubin. I just need to be excused, please."

"For what reason?"

"Well, I just won a Fulbright grant to study Italian literature at the University of Pisa, for the entire year. So, I don't think I'll see much of the third grade."

"Well, John, this is serious. You'll have to bring in a signed note from your parents before I allow any of this nonsense to occur. Okay, we're running out of time. Who has the final story to tell?"

"My name is Anne Arquit, and I spent my summer vacation studying oceanography on the R/V Thomas Thompson at 1-de- gree-N latitude. Although I wrote to a lot of my friends, no one came to visit. It was like I had the cooties or something. I guess that with the ocean being so rough I shouldn't have expected many guests."

"That sounds like a lot of fun, Ann, and I realize that the class hasn't studied geography yet, but you should know that the water in the eastern Pacific is deep. In fact, that water was over your head, wasn't it, Ann? You have no business going swimming in water that is over your head. What if you had drowned? Think of all the paperwork I would have to do, the forms I would have to fill out. There will be no recess for you today."

"Well, class, that seems to be all the time we have for today. Your assignment for tomorrow is to bring in a letter written to your imaginary pen pal, Eric Grubman. See you then."

1 Cindy Court Melville, NY 11747