1984

It recently occurred to me, while reading my treasured monthly edition of "Teenage Rocker," that something was rong with American literature. Thumbing through a few of my other periodicals, such as Reader's Digest and The National Enquirer, I got the same feeling. Something was missing. I soon realized that the problem was with the headlines. Such eye-catchers as "20-foot Earthworm Terrorizes Town" and "Mom: I Flushed My Son," were being replaced by such unbelievable headlines as "Millionaire Baseball Players Go on Strike for More Money" or "Multimillionaire Owners Claim Poverty." It seemed to me that all of America's quality writers had deserted the medium in search of a new avenue of expression. I decided to devote what remained of my summer to a quest in search of this new form of expression.

During my quest, I spent a great deal of time driving around New York examining other people who were doing the same. I have turned the majority of my recollections into a book, tentatively entitled "New York: The Fuzzy-Dice State," due out soon in a bookstore near you. Anyway, I thought I might share some of my more interesting experiences with you.

I guess I should begin with my discovery of the new writing form. I was stuck in traffic, behind a van covered with decals from every state the driver had ever heard of. Perusing the collection, my eyes wandered to his bumper sticker. Of course! Is there a more concise, ordered form of expression? Those headline makers were now coming out with such Americana as "Make love, not war, be prepared for both." 1 had to know more, so I hurriedly flagged down the driver, who turned out to be none other than Mark Montgomery, who was taking time out from his summer in France to get stuck in traffic in New York.

Now that I knew what to look for, I made great progress. At a rest stop on the New York throughway, I slashed the tires on a "My karma killed my dogma" car in order to acquaint myself with its owner. The owner turned out to be none other than Jim Collins. While Jim was out buying new tires, he mentioned that he is currently proofreading, editing, and writing for Yarikee magazine. I don't know about you folks, but if a magazine isn't good enough to sit in the checkout aisle of your local supermarket, I don't want it. Anyway, harking back to a previous column, Jim informed me that his bathroom is of the Italianate/Victorian period and handed me a picture to prove it. Boy, was I impressed.

Driving a burgundy "Bankers do it with interest" was Bob Lucic. Bob resides in New York City, where he is a paralegal. I can't tell you much else about Bob, as he is too cheap to drop 22 cents for a stamp. Later in my travels, I came across a bus

with an appropriate "Warning: I brake for hallucinations" tattooed on the rear bumper. Inside the vehicle just happened to be the entire wedding party for the Jennifer Reinhart/David Townsend '81 affair. The picture, which accompanies this column, shows the group gathered outside the bus for a singing of "Men of Dartmouth." In between verses, I managed to get a word in with the two bridesmaids, Liz Miles and Juliet Aires, both of whom send their regards and miss us all very much.

I immediately turned my car around and, in the process, hit a beat-up jalopy with a pastel colored "Kiss me, I was in Gamma Delt" bumper sticker. This turned out to be none other than Mike Budwig. Mike works in Boston for Casher Associates, a computer consulting firm. Sitting next to Mike was John Ide, who has begun working as a management trainee for U.S. Communications in Minneapolis. In this new position, John will be responsible for promotional marketing research,

whatever that is. In addition, John is, now get ready for this, sales director for the Minnesota Horse and Hunt club. I'm not sure exactly what it is that the club sells, but you can bet that John can get us some cheap. So all of you who lost your "Minnesota Horse and Hunt Club" personalized T-shirts, be sure to contact John.

Satisfied that I had found the new niche of America's best writers, I turned and headed home, only to encounter the

car of Mark Hansen. The presence of tin cans and streamers on the rear bumper of Mark's car was explained by the presence of his new wife, Jennifer Hancock '85. The two were off to a romantic honeymoon on the Long Island expressway, and I could see that my presence was a hindrance. So I bid them a fond farewell and headed for home to begin my personal bumper-sticker collection.

Until next month - see you on the freeway.

Student Naval Flight Officer Al Chaker '84is a member of the Naval Air TrainingCommand Choir, which performed at theMiss USA pageant in May 1984. "Aftermuch pleading," he wrote, "I agreed topose with Mai Shanley, Miss USA '84."

1 Cindy Court Melville, NY 11747