1935

6680 Williamson Drive NE Atlanta, GA 30328

Your underworked secretary faces a midsummer deadline isolated from Atlanta headquarters, incoming mail, and even normal telephone contact with the outside world. Creative action is in order. The October column will therefore continue a tradition, unwittingly initiated in similar circumstances last year, of reporting events that, to the best of my knowledge, did not occur during the summer (especially since nothing apparently did, as I have had no classmate correspondence to the contrary).

For instance, I know for a fact that at no time did Jim Berkey spend a weekend with Donna Rice, nor did he introduce her to Ronald Reagan or anyone else. Just what his reasons may have been for not doing these things I have been unable to ascertain, but not do them he did. Or do them he did not. Another report I am happy to label false is the one involving an alleged money laundering link between General Motors and the Cosa Nostra. By the same token, the notion that Al Brush has been functioning as consigliere to the New London Mafia family appears equally absurd.

There has been speculation (which, fortunately, was never publicized during the Irangate proceedings) that Fred Mebel may have donated his extensive and valuable collection of primitive African weapons to the Contra rebels. I have found no credible grounds for such speculation (as might be expected, since experience has demonstrated the total improbability of weapons ever reaching any Contras capable of wielding them).

On an entirely different front, I now have authoritative denial that Link Washburn ever sponsored a proposal before the Alaska legislature calling for construction of a subway line from Yukon territory to the North Pole, to facilitate tourist travel to the Pole. My guess is that Link would not be favorably disposed to simplify, for the "Ugly American," what was for him a sub-stantial and memorable undertaking.

Dero Saunders would be the first to deny that he has a new book almost ready for publication titled Mores and Morals of theModern Conglomerates, based on a survey of unorthodox courtship practices among the 400 richest men in America. Dero is no doubt aware that conglomerate mating leaves little or no time for the kind that most of us are familiar with (and which, from all available evidence, is far more renumerative in the reportage thereof).

Some of you may have heard that DickMuzzy, restless in retirement, had decided to exploit his background of sweet edible merchandising for Howard Johnson, and join the ranks of the New England entre-preneurs who have amassed fortunes in the creation and retailing of exotic ice cream flavors. One story had it that Dick had come up with such catchy flavor labels as Vanilla Scrod, Oyster Bisque Mocha, Lobster Tortoni, and Bay Scallop Bourbon. Not a word of truth in any of it.

One non-happening is especially important to report, since it concerns the noninvolvement of no less a person than our esteemed class president. A rumor, of which I have been unable to trace the origin, had it that Yank Price was involved with the Hunt brothers of Texas in a scheme to corner the market for Statue of Liberty souvenir collectibles—particularly those included as premiums in Cracker Jack candy boxes during the past two years. The idea that Yank would allow himself to be involved in such an unsavory scheme is so preposterous as to be scarcely worthy of mention.

So much for some of the more interesting things that didn't happen this summer. Now, please, get on the stick and tell me about fall activities that did. Meanwhile, peace and love to you all. All y'all.