Why Don't You Say Anything?"

On this clay I sat next to my professor, and as usual was lost. The words, ideas, argument, and opinions whirled around me like a tornado in which I was unmercifully tossed. Too many unfamiliar words, analogies, and thoughts were being expressed for my brain to comprehend, edit, sort, pile, delete, save, etc. But this was nothing new—all of my classes at Dartmouth were confusing to me and extremely difficult.

Out of the blue, as I sat there lost in thought, my professor turned his kind face toward me and asked, "Davina, why don't you ever say anything?" His question was totally unexpected, but not malicious. Rather, it was asked in a respectful tone that invited an answer. Everyone stared me down,, they wanted to know, too. I was caught off guard, but thought to myself: this is my chance to explain why I am the way I am. I began hesitandy, frightened out of my wits, but determined to let these people know who I was and where I was coming from.

"Well, I have a hard time here at Dartmouth. I went to school in Arizona. That's where lam from. I've gone to School both on and off the Navajo reservation. The schools on the reservation aren't that good. Then, when I went to eighth grade and high school in Winslow, I had to stay in the Bureau of Indian Affairs dorm aWay from my family, because the bus didn't come out that far. So the dorm was for all the Navajo and Hopi students who lived too far away on the reservation. Winslow was a good school, but I don't think I was prepared for an Ivy League school like Dartmouth. I mean, it's so hard being here so far away from home. I used,to be in the top ten percent of my classnow I'm at the bottom of the barrel! Do you know how that makes me feel?".

I couldn't help myself and I began to sob. My words were rushing out like they had been bottled up inside for too long.

"It's awful. I feel like I can't do anything here and that the students are so much smarter than me. It seems like everyone knows so much more than me. All of you, it's so easy for you to sit there and talk. It's hard for me to do that. I envy you. I feel like I'm always lost. I hardly ever understand what you guys are talking about. It's hard for me to participate in class discussion. I mean at Winslow we had to, but not like this. My teacher would put a check by our name after we asked one question. We didn't sit around a table and talk like we do in here. We didn't have to really get into a subject. I'm barely hanging on, but here I sit and that's why I don't participate in class discussion."

I finished my tirade, it was quiet; Nobody said a word. Then my professor leaned over and jokingly admitted, "Don't feel too bad, Davina, I don't understand what they're talking about half the time either." We all smiled, and it was as if a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. In my junior and senior years at Dartmouth I began to participate in class little by little. By the time I hit graduate school, you couldn't shut me up.

DAVINA BEGAYE TWO BEARS ISM member of the Dine Nation. She earned a master'sdegree in anthropologyfrom Northern A rizona University and plans to pursue a Ph.D.