Mutual Transformation

An alumnus reconnects with Dartmouth as an alumna and finds Dartmouth has changed considerably, too. BY JOANNE A. HERMAN '75

I DIDN'T THINK I WOULD EVER return to the Hanover Plain. It's not that I didn't have fond memories of my time as an undergraduate. Learning probability and statistics from Professor Kemeny, discovering just how useful a time-shared computer could be, and getting up in the wee hours to do the morning newscasts for WDCR, to name a few. It's just that I had some uncomfortable memories, too.

Mine was the last all-male undergraduate class in Dartmouth's history; my name was Jeff back then. During my freshman year the only female undergraduates on campus were visitors. Everything changed sophomore year with the admission of the first freshman women, as well as the female transfer students for my class. By the end of sophomore year I was tired of—and embarrassed by—all the male shenanigans going on around campus and needed a change of perspective.

So while some chose to study abroad their junior year, I chose to attend Smith College on the Twelve College Exchange. Many joked that I was going to "study a broad," given that I was to be one of 45 men among 2,200 women, but that really was not how I felt. I steadfastly stuck with my "chance of perspective" line.

I loved living with Barbara but re- mained strangely embarrassed by the things in life that most guys are proud of. It wasn't until 1995 that I first encountered others who shared my gender questioning and realized I was not alone. I started reading everything in sight. It wasn't until early 2002 that it became obvious that my true gender was female.

If that sounds precipitous, it really wasn't. I first knew something was amiss when I was 7 I was playing more often with the neighborhood girls than the boys .When my parents learned I was also trying on the girls' clothes, they made it abundantly clear that was not something a "good boy" did. I don't fault them for that—they were just being good, responsible parents of the 1950s—but their punishment sent me into a period of intense denial.

I might have transitioned sooner to live as a female had there been greater public awareness of transgender people. There had been no shortage of stereotypes and Hollywood images during my life but none of them ever seemed to fit me. It wasn't until I read Crossing, the autobiography of noted economist and university professor Deirdre McCloskey, a transgender woman, that I realized transgender people occur in all walks of life. I was not alone.

At first Barbara was not sure how she would feel about me after my sex reassignment surgery. I was heartbroken, and yet not surprised. I had been told that most couples do not survive a spouse's gender transition. But Barbara felt reluctant to throw away the 27 years we had enjoyed up until then. She decided to give it a try. I'm so happy that she did, because the years that followed my surgery in 2003 were some of the happiest of our 30 years together.

I did my best to blend into society as a woman. Without the years of socialization that most women have I was lucky to have the patient guidance and advice of Barbara.

Soon after that I learned of the second Dartmouth Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Alumni Association (D-GALA) reunion for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender students of all classes. Second? Somehow I had missed the first one. Regardless, I was intrigued.

I'll never forget the day Barbara and I set foot on the Hanover Green for the first time in 30 years. My heart was pounding. But my fear could not have been more misplaced. I was welcomed and even embraced by students, faculty, staff, alumni and their guests. What followed was a euphoric weekend filled with in- credibly relevant panels and presentations and great social events. Barbara and I left Hanover positively eager to return again.

And we did—for my own class's reunion in the summer of 2005. Everyone I spoke with was at least cordial, and a few made a point of expressing their genuine happiness that I came back. One classmate explained our class's newfound openness this way: "Most of us are parents now, and we've heard it all."

I returned again in October of 2005 to speak about transgender awareness at the invitation of the office of institutional diversity and equity. It made for yet another wonderful weekend in Hanover, one year after my first return to campus.

My positive experiences actually started me wondering what it would be like to move to Hanover to work for the College. Imagine my dismay when I learned that Dartmouth did not include gender identity and expression in its nondiscrimination policy. Fortunately, there's good news on that front: Last June the trustees rectified this situation, making Dartmouth the seventh Ivy League institution to do so. I am so proud of my alma mater for this.

The College marked this momentous advance at the D-GALA breakfast during the 2006 Reunion Weekend. In front of the 50 or so people assembled, President Jim Wright reiterated his desire to have Dartmouth "be a whole community, with its richness coming from the diversity of perspectives and ambitions of all its members." And with those words he awarded me a class of 1975 diploma, showing my name as Joanne instead of Jeff. I was in tears.

It was a bittersweet moment. Barbara The love of my life, my companion for my reconnection to Dartmouth and the woman who truly loved me '"til death do us part"—had passed away just a few months earlier after a long battle with cancer. I'm certain that one of the many reasons she hung on so long was just to be sure that I got safely established in my new life as Joanne. She was an amazing woman in so many ways.

So now I am a widow, and single for the first time since my teenage male years at Dartmouth. As I adjust, though, I take comfort in knowing that I have reunited with my Dartmouth family. And who knows? Maybe some day I really will come back to work for the College!

Joanne Herman, photographed January 3,2007, in downtown Boston.

"I first knew something was amiss when I was 7.I was playing more often with girls than boys."

JOANNE A. HERMAN is financial controllerfor New England Foundation for the Arts inBoston. She is currently a guest columnist for Advocate.com and is writing a book about hergender journey.