Browning: $3.50 the page

One morning early in the fall, we were having another cup of coffee and scanning The Dartmouth, when an eye-catching ad compelled our attention, "FREE," it screamed in immense bold-faced caps, going on in slightly more restrained typography: "Catalog of Collegiate Research. Over 10,000 listings!"

Always eager for a little mindstretching, we sent a postcard off to California and settled back impatiently, anticipating a veritable smorgasbord of intellectual goodies. We were not to be disappointed.

Meanwhile, the same ad seems to have caught the eye of a senior who wrote an indignant letter to The Dartmouth, suggesting that "a college daily has a responsibility to the institution which it serves. The editor should use his authority to refuse to print solicitations of services which are at odds with the goals of higher education." The editor replied - a mite testily, it seemed - that "The job of TheDartmouth is to inform, not to guard each individual's morals. ... If anyone does feel tempted to cheat, we refer him to the Honor Principle."

In no time at all, the general level of postal service considered, a copy of Research Assistance was on our desk. And a treasure trove it is, 300-odd pages jampacked with listings of ready-made research papers on every conceivable subject from "Browning's The Bishop OrdersHis Tomb at Saint Praxed's Church" to "Chromatophores & Color Adaptations in Cephalopods." Everything the serious student could possibly want.

The friendly outfit advertises a stable of "professional writers, each a specialist in one or more academic areas," all presumably working like beavers, night and day, turning out the off-the-rack models. Somehow the folks who run the company must have heard the loose talk, too, about how some benighted soul might "feel tempted to cheat," because they sternly require California residents to sign a statement to the effect that "the research material purchased from Research Assistance will be used for research purposes only." Redundance aside, it makes you wonder whether they think California students are that much more corruptible.

The standard ready-made papers - typewritten, double-spaced photocopies, with footnotes and bibliography usually thrown in gratis — may be purchased for $3.50 a page plus sales tax where appropriate. There's a money-back guarantee that the description is accurate and assurance that orders will be kept strictly confidential. Mail orders will be filled within ten days, telephoned orders in three or four. No collect calls or personal checks will be accepted, but VISA and Mastercharge are welcomed.

For fussy sorts who want their papers custom-written, those 50 professional writers can come up with whatever is required, using whatever textbooks any fusty professor might specify, at $6.95 a page (seven pages minimum) for any subject except business, economics, law, science, medicine, and technical topics, which are a buck higher per page. Allow 12 days for the writing and four more for delivery, unless you are willing to kick in another extra dollar for a rush order (7-11 days). Under extraordinary circumstances - and, face it, the best-organized student can have an emergency need for a little research assistance now and then - "papers can sometimes be written in three or four days." Custom jobs, of course, warrant an original typed copy.

Now, when it comes to theses and dissertations, things get a little more complicated, and a direct inquiry about price and so on is advised. Customers should submit the proposal if one has already been written, and, if possible, "(1) a copy of all material which has been completed to date; (2) a comprehensive explanation of the topic, (3) estimated number of pages for the entire project, (4) the time constraints involved, (5) any stylistic requirements, (6) address and phone number." Even the kindliest beaver needs something from the author to go on, and he wants to be sure that, if you're a dedicated modifier-dangler, he's prepared to dangle a few for you. Straight research — data gathering, market surveys, and the like without the writing — is a piece of cake, at $10 an hour, six hours minimum.

We got to wondering whether Dartmouth faculty members were aware of all these marvelous-teaching aids available to help their students with their research. Since we've been out of school for quite a while and couldn't afford to pay that much for our stories anyway, we thought we'd just tear the book into appropriate chunks and send the sections along to someprofessorial friends. They, too, ought to see what miracles California hath wrought - or perhaps recognize an old friend or two.