1984

2511 Q. St. NW #307 Washington, DC 20007

Once again, the mail I receive is better than anything I could make up. I think that my classmates have gotten tired of my inventing outrageous lies about them, and decided to do some outrageous things, just to make me look bad. For example, TedCooperstein is living in Forth Smith, Ark., where he is a law clerk to some judge. Believe it or not, Ted found life in Fort Smith a little dull. To remedy this situation, Ted appeared on Jeopardy in September, where he won just a tad over $32,000. By winning five shows, Ted also qualified to be on the Tournament of Player Champions (or is it Champion Players?) later in the year. After his big victories, Ted spent some time with friends in Boston. He reports that BrianKinney is at Harvard, where he is finishing up business school (is that busying up finishing school?— Ted's joke). Also at Harvard are Gordon Piatt, and Shaun Gurl, who are in law school. Now, Ted, I realize that these guys may be your friends, but let's face it, what do they know about spending $32,000? Not much. I mean, they may be good company, but they're nowhere when it comes to blowing a big fortoona. Now, allow me to explain why I am the guy to show you how to throw away all that money you won. To begin with, money has been burning holes in my pockets since I was a little child. I have never held onto anything larger than a $10 bill for 15 minutes. I buy retail.

It should be pretty obvious by now that I'm the man for the job. Now, since you're a friend, I'm willing to help you spend the money, and waive half of my normal fee (leaving you with about $10,000). Here is the plan:

1) Buy wedding presents for everyone in the class who has recently wed. Ed Gilligan and Barbara McElwaine plan to betroth (can I use that as a verb?) in August, and this is the perfect time to start thinking about a gift. Perhaps a small island in the South Pacific, with a big boat to get them there. If you want to spend this kind of money, Ted, you have to think in large terms. Joe Fortier is planning to wed in Virginia in June. Now, this is sort of a secret, but I happen to know that the state of Virginia is for sale, and this might be the perfect gift for that hard-to-please couple.

2) Sponsor a graduate student. Lynn Leventis, Alex Kane, and Susie Powers are currently in the first-year class at Dartmouth Med. Now, you know that medical school is expensive, Ted, and what a lovely gift this could be. In addition, you would be giving the money to Dartmouth, indirectly, so this would kill two birds with one stone. Killing two birds with one stone may be a good maxim for many people, Ted, but for guys like us, who have bucks to burn, it's bad news. We want to kill two birds with at least two stones (three if possible). So forget about these guys; they're economy when you want first class.

I realize that I haven't given you much information to go on, but for the cut-rate price I gave you, I think I've done more than enough. Anyway, by following my instructions, with a little careless planning and bad luck thrown in, this money could be gone before you blink. Good luck, we're all counting on you.