1983

Hell hath no fury like a class secretary scorned. News remains scarce this month (and it is scarce, let me tell you —even StuDowns has been quiet lately), so we'll try a new trick. On you. To successfully navigate this column, you'll peed a copy of our Freshman book, because its time for the First Annual How-Youooked-In-The-Freshman-Book Awards, Laugh at me if you want, but you leave me with little choice.

The"I'm Realty Excited to Be At Dartmouth Award —to John Wojak, who looks slightly anesthetized and is wearing a white shirt with too much starch.

The "O-Bop-Shebam" Award —to Grover Walton III, who wanted to be called "Music Man" and looks just like a tenor saxophonist.

The "Bow Tie, Southern California Cool, I'm Bad, I'm Bad" Award —to DaviesBeller, whose grin means one of two things. Either he's broken the law recently or is just about to.

The "George Bush Thousand Points of Light" Award —to Kelly Bishop, whose far-off, glazed stare attests to his counting too many points of light.

The "Phoebe Mills I'm About to Do a Headstand" Award —to Wendy Oatis, whose face is at a 90-degree angle to the camera.

The "Robin Givens Look-A-Like" Award —to Eva Simmons, who actually is much more likeable than Mike Tyson's exsweetheart.

The "Sunglasses Make the Man" Award —to Kudjo Twum, whose stare and generally threatening demeanor make it clear that you better not owe him any money.

The "I'm Smiling Like This Because Someday I'll Be On ESPN" Award —to Lisa Feinberg, who, glory be, could be seen talking about ski races this winter on cable TV.

The"I Can't Wait to Tell You What I Got On My SATs" Award to Steve Fishbein, who in reality wasn't that anxious to share his personal life with you.

The "Chair I Was Sitting On Broke Just As the Shutter Clicked" Award —to Donna Freeman, who, while knowing she looks like she's 3'8" tall, manages to demonstrate poise and class under truly difficult circumstances.

The "Pete! Pete! The Camera's Over Here!" Award—to Peter Kilmarx, who offers us a beautiful view of his left sideburn and little else.

The "Dad, I'm Sorry. Your New Porsche Is Lying at the Bottom of the Lake" Award —to George Nelson, who's sadly staring at his feet, wondering why turbo was ever invented.

The "Go Ahead, Make My Day" Award—to Ritchie Walsh, who hurt somebody badly moments after this picture was taken.

The "Out of Focus" Award—to RickWatts, whose famous peregrination onto Thompson Arena in the third period against Cornell earned him legendary status.

The "Fear of Light" Award —to Peter Ham, who appears to feel more at home in the shadows, protected from prying eyes.

The "Eclipse" Award-to Adrianne Link, whose occluded profile is separated by light and darkness. Adrianne's split outlook eloquently sums up life's ambiguities and idiosyncracies.

The "When Hell Freezes Over" Award— to Jeremy Marr. Just before this picture was snapped, Jeremy was asked to assess his chances for graduating from Dartmouth with honors.

I'll try and write again next month. Send any libel suits to Howie Brick, Guy Rasco, or Mike Behn. Cheers.

85 Hosmer Street, #A-1, Acton, MA 01720