Eleven Pieces Of Ham Wisdom...

Follow Nelson Ham 's simple rules of thumb, and don 'thold us liable.

The longer you drive, the more likely you are to have an accident. So always drive as fast as you can.

Dartmouth should have a big gymnasium-size room fall of engine and appliance parts and require students to spend two semesters in there figuring out how things work.

If the earth blew up today, Mars would move a quarter-inch and Jupiter wouldn't even notice. What does that say about how important we are?

Take out all the seats in every car you have. You'll be amazed at how much room there is and how much more your car can be used for. The cheapest way to travel is to rent a car, take out the seats, and live in it. [On a recent trip to England, Nelson did just that. He found out ahead of time what size wrench to bring.]

Stop worrying so much about food; don't be so obsessive about how it looks or how it tastes. All you need is oatmeal and some vitamins. And don't be afraid of mixing food together. You can mix just about anything.

Throw away your television set. Simply heave it out.

*" The U.S. should rule the world it's probably the best chance the world has for ensuring lasting peace.

Everyone should speak English. Other languages, including the 700 on New Guinea, should gradually be phased out.

All cars should use air-cooled engines. Did you ever see a chain saw something practical that people need to make a living with that was liquid-cooled?

What I would want to have on a desert island: (1) air compressor, (2) water, (3) food, (4) Nordic Track, (5) Lear jet, (6) inter-library loan.

Anyone interested in joke telling should select a j ob such as I have where he'll see new people all the time. That wayheonlyneedstoknowajokeortwo.