With Pen In Hand...

Letters from the alumni

Alumni write letters-to-the-editor about football, some of which defy literal editorial analysis. So last summer the alumni magazines of Dartmouth, Cornell, Pennsylvania, and Princeton furnished artist Arnold Roth with a selection of unvarnished "football letters" (excerpts from several appear here) and asked what they meant to him. This is what he said in words and pictures.

EVERY now and then a genuine privilege comes my way. It has been a recent genuine privilege for me to read letters dealing with football from Ivy League graduates to their alma maters. The letters make one crave for privileges which are not all that genuine. I knew the letters were from Ivy League graduates as the spelling was generally correct and there were occasional indentations of new paragraphs.

The subject matter fell into categories while the abuse was highly individualistic. Old grads threaten to withhold donations unless the team improves. There are no postscripts explaining why donations would be needed by a team which improves without them. There are arguments over the precedence of football over scholarship and vice versa. There are suggestions for increasing or decreasing supposedly nonexistent football scholarships. Pleas exist for the complete de-emphasis of football and replacing it with soccer. Demands pour in that coaches be fired, threatened, or altered - and not necessarily in that order. Complaints pile up about marching bands, female cheerleaders (next thing, they'll want to go to school with us), poor playing by home teams, incompetent mascots, idiosyncratic ineptitudes, unimaginative planning, and the rotten weather.

A very few writers are very pleased with all of the above. It has been my personal misfortunate never to meet people like them except in their violent phase. Some former players laud the football programs which, they say, prepared them more fully for things like performing surgery (we hope they become doctors fast) and real life (we hope they are in it).

These drawings deal with some of the letter writers' general categories. Some suggest solutions, some describe situations, and others just help fill the page.

THE COEDIFICATION OF CHEERLEADING Dartmouth '5O: "... Female members of the group participated fully in the perforance, and if the purpose was to discomfit and humiliate... , this goal was achieved." Penn '56: "I guess I shouldn't say that in my day the cheerleaders were all male and paid attention to the game. So I won't say that."

SCIENCE ABETTING AN UNDERDOG Cornell '53: "The June issue left me astonished and livid. I had been under the strange misapprehension that the main purpose of a college or a university was to educate people and to provide a site for research and new knowledge." Penn '15: "The faculty are, if anything, antagonistic to football."

TRAINED FOR REAL BLADDERS Penn '66: "I personally remember no better training for [medical emergencies] than to be standing on the five-yard line hearing the crowd hush, and seeing the opening kickoff sail through the air toward me! Not unlike being handed the scalpel for the first time in the operating room...."

THE CHARM OF A GOOD EDUCATION, ALSO Penn '76: "It is customary for Ivy League mascots to taunt rival bands without interfering with their performance." Dartmouth wife: "The antics of the half-naked, bottle-tanned Indian cheerleader... used to evoke a loyal response from an enthusiastic Dartmouth cheering section. Not so today."

FALL CLASSICS Princeton man: "As an old Tiger alumnus, may I extend my compliments to a fighting Dartmouth eleven.... However, I regret I can't be as enthusiastic about the performance of the Dartmouth band... frankly, their dedication of their entire program to celebrating the Fiftieth Anniversary of the Russian Revolution... was both uncalled for and in highly bad taste." Cornell wife:

"... Why must we watch a bunch of young men rush onto the field after the band has finished... and jump on the man inside the bear? He could be seriously injured." Princeton '38: "... Thanks to the band for playing and marching so well. But may I make a suggestion to the arranger of the half-time show? Commenting on your Dartmouth hosts' body odor and need for deodorant hardly seems the way to thank them for their hospitality."

THE CURSE OF SPRINGLESS TRAINING Penn '15: "I do not favor the elimination of spring practice and more rigid training. This year two of our three captains were injured and three other Ivy League captains were injured. This bespeaks lack of training."

Sic TRANSIT A LOSER Princeton '28: "The coaches can't do it all." Penn '59: "It is time for a new football coach." Cornell '44: "... The foot- ball coaching staff should be replaced." Princeton '65: "Princeton cannot long remain a viable institution without regaining its former gridiron glory."

A WINNER'S BEST FRIEND Penn '35: "Did you ever see a red-blooded American young man who enjoys losing?" Cornell '51: "... I will place my annual contribution to the university into an irrevocable trust payable to Cornell on the achievement of a winning football season. If such event does not occur before Cornell gives up football, all money in such fund will go to the school against whom Cornell has enjoyed its most successful record." Dartmouth '59: "Fellow alumni unite! Protest the only way we can - money. I intend to boycott all alumni funds and hold back what I ordinarily would give until I see what kind of seats I get next year."

THE ATTEMPTED EPITOME OF ATHLETIC SCHOLARSHIP Dartmouth '31: "Please verify my figures which I hope are not correct completely: 1) When I entered in 1927 my class had 600 all male; 2) 50 years later only 150 more, of which 350 are women. At this rate we will have half female soon and our football teams will have more split ends than sturdy halfbacks."