ONCE UPON A CRIME

GUS PILOBOLUS GOT TO CLASS AHEAD OF TIME ON THE

chilly May morning. He'd been up most of the night at Hellgate and he'd come out of the game the big winner. And why not? Except for flunking those last exams, these were his lucky days. Harriet had said yes and he'd bought a thousand-dollar ring, duly appraised as to value, and at a bargain price of only a small down payment. He expected to leave school and get married and get a job with his father-in-law While waiting for class to start, he'd shown the ring to Jim Froth and Hoby Jacobs. After properly admiring it, Jim said, "And you keep it there in your wallet, stack in the fold of your sweater?" • "Safest place I know. Just touch me there and I'll yell blue murder." • "Yeah?" Jim said, and made a grab that Gus parried, and they both laughed. "Hey," Gus said. "Did I tell you I came away last night with enough to pay up all of my debts? Have a look at this wad." And he held up his wallet, which was on die sloppy side and stuffed to capacity, with a couple of fives sticking out. • Chet Brenton, overhearing, called out, "Big winner? You sure were!" • That was when Professor Zwiebach, distinguished linguist and expert in ancient languages, including the Chaldean, arrived and the class settled down in their seats, but he'd hardly made a dent in his subject when the town fire whistle blew. As in every classroom, a few men jumped up and headed for the fire.

And that was all there was to it, except that Bud Lilly, always the comic, put on a litde red fireman's hat with the label, ME FIRE CHIEF!

Joe Horsehead took exception and the two of them wresded in what might have escalated into a fight if somebody hadn't broken it up. Bud, laughing, shrugged off the whole business and rushed out, with the toy hat left on the floor.

Gus had been on the edge of the ruckus, as peace and harmony were restored, but he went back to the safety of his seat. Professor Zwiebach, who had been waiting for events to simmer down, decided to postpone his prepared lecture for a little while and use the opportunity for reciting some Latin odes. He intoned them with the original accent, which only he knew, but after a few examples he shifted from the Roman pronunciation to the Calabrian. He was explaining the differences when the bucket brigade returned with the news that it hadn't been much of a fire, merely a burning curtain that made a spectacular blaze and fizzled out.

With the returnees in place, Zwiebach moved over to his desk, but seemed to notice something on the floor. With a grunt (in Latin, of course) he stopped and picked up a wallet. After a brief glance, he shook it out.

"Seems empty," he said, holding it open. "Does this belong to anybody?"

Pilobolus jumped up. "Mine!" he exclaimed. "And it had over 300 bucks and a diamond ring!"

Zwiebach, in the best tradition of amateur detectives, took charge and ordered everybody to empty his pockets. The results were negative—a few dollars, some chewing gum, a scattering of matches and cigarette packs, a sheet from a calendar, and pens and pencils, and keys and some assorted bric-a-brac.

It should be pointed out that never before or after in the history of Dartmouth College has a diamond ring and some $300 disappeared in full view of a tenured professor.

Can you, on the basis of the text and accompanying sketch, explain how the wallet got next to Zwiebach's desk, how the ring vanished, and what happened to the missing money? If not, take it step by step by answering the following questions.

ANSWERS ARE ON PAGE 39. CHEATERS WILL BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULL EXTENT OF THE LAW.

QUESTIONS: 1. How did the wallet get to the left of the desk? 2. While the fracas was going on, do you think anybody paid attention to what was happening elsewhere? 3. How thick would a wad of $300 in small bills make? 4. Do you think somebody in the bucket brigade took the ring and stashed it somewhere? 5. Do you think that (a) Gus lost his wallet, (b) it fell out of his sweater, (c) somebody stole it, or (d) he himself emptied it and placed it on the floor? 6. What is the importance of the chewing gum? 7. What is the importance of the calendar sheet? 8. Where would you look for the ring? 9. How would you find the money?

ANSWERS TO "ONCE UPON ACRIME" (OPPOSITE PAGE)

1. It must have been shoved along the floor, probably sliding under the desk. If thrown, it would have been seen and heard.

2. Certainly not

3. Thick enough to make a wallet bulge. Any estimate around a quarter of an inch is an acceptable answer.

4. No. The possibility is negated by the location of the wallet. 5. Gus's own statement eliminates (a), (b) and (c).

6. It indicates that somebody was chewing gum, and as everybody knows who has ever stepped on a piece, it has strong adhesive qualities.

7. It has been cut into a shape that fits into a wallet and, in view of its folds, it would make the wallet bulge nicely.

8. Since Gus had the ring and a wad of chewing gum, it follows that, hoping to recover the ring later on, he stuck it under the seat of his chair and fastened it with a bit of gum. 9. Ask Gus

It is obvious that Gus faked the loss of ring and money and must have left the money elsewhere. Whatever plans he might have had, he gave them up when the fire gave him the perfect opportunity to fend off his creditors with a hard luck story and then make a graceful exit from Hanover.

Investigation showed that he was flunking out and in no danger of ever graduating, and that the name of Gustav Pilobolus does not appear in the rolls of the class of 1924. As for his real name, nobody knows it, including myself.

It happened in class, right in front of a tenured professor, and you have to solve it.