THE OFFENSIVE GOLFER

By DickBrooks '39. Englewood Cliffs, N. J.: Prentice-Hall, Inc. 128 pages. Illustrated. $3.95.

Golf when played by experts is beautiful. When played by beginners, it is ludicrous. When played by men capable of breaking 100, it may be ridiculous. Dick Brooks has written a book about compulsive golfers which is hearty burlesque.

It consists of seven chapters, all broadly farcical with cartoons suggesting gargoyles on churches erected in Hell. The first chapter toys with alibis given to loving and irate wives about to become golf widows: 1. Golf will prolong your life. Sample: "Golf makes men virile, potent, affectionate, and eternally young." 2. There are worse things than golf: "horses and other women." 3. Golf is good for business. Be careful about bank presidents who telephone with names like Big Moe, Squinty, and Slambo Sambo.

Chapter Two is entitled "The Tension Swing from Prayer to Profanity." Much is made of the Hypnotic Brain and Body Lock allied to Neurocirculatory Aesthenia. Talk to yourself: "Now my toes are curled in tension. I'm all choked up. My back now aches. My knees are now locked. I feel the sub-conscious seethe. I can no longer think of girls. I am nearly ready for the smash." Remember: the longest drives are made by neurotics who hate golf balls.

Chapter Three concentrates on ways to barrel through. One example will suffice here. As sharpshooter, you may hide in the woods and from an angle with a low screamer smack the ample binterteil of Mrs. Recalcitrant Sluggard. While she is still screaming and clutching her fanny and the other three saunterers are sympathizing, your foursome slithers slyly through.

Many enthusiastic golfers sicken of the cliches wilting the fairways of all golf courses except those in Scotland where canny natives cultivate an admirable but frightening taciturnity. You hear these goofy stereotypes and give a knowing and saccharine smile: "That'll play." "Nice kick." "Never up, never in." "No blood." "Get legs." "Sit, sit, sit." "One time." When spoken sardonically however, these exclamations can soften up the toughest golfer.

Chapter Five is called "Your Woods and How To Play Out Of Them." You have employed of course the three types of ball drops: the "toss," the "palm," and the "pantleg." In a fighting two-dollar Nassau, Dick Brooks favors the Elkhart Dippingwell Pantleg Drop, and he gives a full page cutaway diagram of trousers capable of becoming real money makers.

Chapter Six, "The Needle and How To Administer It," will tell you how to create your own golf happiness by making others fight a nervous breakdown for 18 holes and buy your liquor and your partner's at the 19th.

Chapter Seven is the funniest, "Rare Birds You Will Meet." You are shown such perennial oddies as the Barrel-Chested Bush Beater, the Full-Breasted Chickadee, the Scarlet-Tailed Buck Hunter, the Cow-Eyed Stroke Fisher, the Yellow-Bellied Worry Wart, the Chicken-Hearted Titmouse, and the Wild-Eyed Whirly Bird.

For whom is this book written? Why, for you, if you are "an unloved man, misunderstood by woman and child, beset upon by fellow sportsmen, and constantly humiliated by the game you love." Yes, indeed, for you, "my fellow hacker."

Professor of English and devotedfollower of the wayward white ball