1960
Big Deal.. . The Annual Yule Foolishness . . . Santa Claus is really Ma Perkins in drag . . . Roast Chestnuts induce sterility . . and last year the Federal Drug Administration confiscated 1,583 plum puddings because they were made of horsemeat. Otherwise, the Holidays can be pretty fine. I don't feel like writing some paean of praise to Christmas but no December column would be complete without the GIANTSPECTACULARUN ABRIDGED OFFICIALGRADEANUMBERONECHRISTMASGIFTLIST. Here it is: Bob Naegle got three empty beer kegs from the Beta House. Chris Swansen got a mute for his trombone from all the houses and dorms within earshot. Jim Olds got a date (that leans to the right). Cleve Carney got a new swim suit (this one's opaque). Sam Bell got his bill from the Beefeater. Wilson Cooper got a five-gallon can of gas for the Gamma Delt fire engine. Jim DeLong got a "How to Ski and Things" book from Art Bookstrom.Dutton Foster got an "A" in Creative Writing. Then he got the truth. Neil Karlin got a new pair of orange pants. Terry Rogers got a record "How to Have a Deeper More Masculine Voice." Harry Ault got five lessons in Pool Hustling from Ray Welch.Frank Budetti got a pep talk from Yul Brynner. Steve Dale got three Eddie Duchin records. Lennie Di Savino got a taco recipe from Pablo Gomez. Dave Garratt got a new Judo uniform and two bottles of callous remover. Pablo Gomez got a spaghetti recipe from Lennie Di Savino. RonHeinemann got a haircut. John Manske got an urgent plea from the '69 Winter Carnival Board that he come back and organize things. Harry Penn and Jack Penn got each other's Christmas cards from Ed Toothaker.Pat Raleigh got a prize for the best "Draw the Bunny" entry in a national art contest. Dick Sandreuter got his name misspelled 57 times on Christmas cards. Ray Welch got indicted for impersonating an Irishman. Tom Mauro got indicted for impersonating Ray Welch. Dave Robinson got accused of being "Mr." Robinson. Bill Horton got a set of lavender barbells. Larry Levi got a set of lavender bar bills. Set 'em up, Larry Baby. Ted Perkins got a lecture on how the Marine Corps builds men, and asked that if they build women too, he'd like a brunette. Don Shropshire (and wife, Jeanne) got a handsome son, Donald Camp Shropshire III. Born in October. I knew Don was hip, but I didn't know Camp was his middle name. No wonder. Jake Gillespie got a Valentine on December 15 (some of Jake's friends are friendly but dumb). Denny Denniston got called by his real first name, "George," and fell over in a faint. And finally, Lance Stoker got a bride, Miss Susan Hayne of Brighton, Mich.
All I want for Christmas is cards and letters from you mothers. Write now or forever hold your piece.
Secretary, 3420 Humboldt Ave. South Minneapolis, Minn. 55408
Treasurer, Box 804, Wall St. Station New York, N. Y. 10005
