Frankenstein's Monster

We had enough trouble here with telephones as it was, keeping track of extension numbers, area codes, and WATS-line access codes. Now, to make things more difficult, the College has installed a computerized telephone system. They call their monster Ernestine (after the Lily Tomlin television character), and what she does is choose the least expensive routes for making long-distance calls.

Let's say you wanted to call Presto, Pa., on a College phone using the old direct- access WATS system. You dialed the numeral seven, then four, then one, then the area code and the local number. Usually you got a busy signal after dialing seven. Now, with Ernestine, you dial seven and wait for a go-ahead signal, then dial your very own top-secret pre-assigned five- digit account number and wait for a second dial tone, then the area code and the local number 16 numbers in all. If the trunk lines aren't busy, you hear a few seconds of clicking (probably Ernestine's brain at work) before hearing the phone ring. If the trunk lines are busy, things get a bit more complicated. You hear three beeps and then a dial tone which is your signal to dial your own extension number so Ernestine can call you back when a line opens. When she calls back she doesn't say anything your phone rings and you pick it up and hear that damn clicking again.

In our office, six full-time workers and a part-time student intern, each with his or her own phone in his or her own room, share two extensions. If you answer the phone and it's Ernestine calling somebody else, you have to yell, "Who wants Ernestine?" If after ten minutes the lines are still busy, Ernestine calls back anyway to let you know she tried and to warn that she's about to place the call over the regular toll network unless you hang up immediately and try again later. If you've made a mistake somewhere in all your dialing, Ernestine makes indignant noises that sound like police sirens.

The beauty of the whole mess, according to Rodney Morgan '44, vice president for administration, and his assistant Bob Barnum '63, who is the real Dr. Frankenstein of the Ernestine business, is that it saves money - probably about $100,000 this year. Last year the total cost of the Dartmouth "Centrex" phone system, including equipment rental, leased lines, and longdistance charges, was in the neighborhood of $750,000 - and costs were rising about $100,000 a year due to increased charges and use.

Aside from the 51,500 fee for installing the box of hardware, no bigger than a couple of file cabinets, that connects the Dartmouth phone system to Ernestine, who lives in Virginia, the College only pays $10,000 for a two-year lease on the system and three cents a minute for all phone traffic - plus the cost of leased lines (which are now used more efficiently), plus the overflow toll charges, and plus any charges for operator-assisted calls. These items still add up to some $400,000 - and when you add the charges for renting phones and other equipment, you get a bill in the neighborhood of $650,000.

Ernestine, who happens to be backed up by a duplicate computer, is used on a timesharing basis. Besides choosing the cheapest way to make long-distance calls, she identifies each caller, records the date and time of each call, the destination phone number, the long-distance facility used, the length of each call, the cost of the call, and then bills the call to the originator's account number. She even, advises the College on the most efficient way to set up leased lines. Offices used to pay a pro-rated monthly fee of $15 for each WATS-access phone - and there was no way of telling who made what calls. According to a memo introducing the new system, "Ernestine says no more free lunch."