1989

Even though you've probably had both legs pulled in honor of April Fool's Day, I thought I'd add insult to (hopefully not serious) injury and yank a few more chains. A few of these news flashes are facts and far more are fabrications—figure it out, or feel a fool. Answers are at the bottom of the column.

1. As part of his monastic training, NedWard has taken a six-month vow of silence. This includes electro-acoustic musical equipment and instrumental beer kegs.

2. Congratulations to Ann Huebner, the recipient of a full tuition Keasbey Scholarship. Ann will pursue a B.A. in Sanskrit at Trinity College, Oxford.

3. Who needs the Aires? Not Paul Cachion, whose one-man, one-song tour, "Shut De Do'," has been dazzling audiences across the nation. Paul's coming soon to an auditorium near you.

4. Stacy Klein will be making her professional riding debut in none other than the Kentucky Derby, most famous for its mint juleps and second for its horse races. Later in May, Stacy will travel north as the first equestrian entrant in the Indianapolis 500.

6. On the road with the professional tennis circuit, Kelley Busby stopped off in Midland, Tex., where she battled opponents on the court and a flood in her bedroom. The Midland Laundromat provided Kelley with a dry refuge, where she dashed off a letter to me and then geared up for her next tournament in Waco, Tex.

7. Did you ever notice how Andy Rooney is more annoying than he is insightful? So did the staff of "60 Minutes," which is why our own Andrew Pulrang will soon replace Mr. Rooney as the TV news magazine's weekly commentator.

8. Paul Sorensen has admitted that his valedictory address was not entirely true. Grandpa Sorensen sure knocked down that doggone hornet's nest—but not until after a handy can of Raid had done its part.

9. Peter Zinman was last spotted in Southern California—sporting a beard.

10. Sharon Geary and Stacy Higgins insist that they are not one person, but inside sources still suspect tricks with mirrors.

11. Sen. William Armstrong, R-Colo-rado, has hired Chris Baldwin as his assistant press secretary.

13. Jamie Heller: journalist with the Rutland Herald by day, juggernaut with the Rutland Roller Derby by night.

14. Pat Picariello, currently studying at Temple University Law School, proudly announces his engagement to Lori A. Landolfi, Ursinus College, class of '87. The starry-eyed couple plans to wed in July 1991.

15. Taraneh Azar skiied the slopes fantastic at Vail this past holiday season, where she found that the runs were as covered with Dartmouth students as they were with powder.

16. Burning the midnight oil for nine months straight: Even with 93 extensions, Ann Morrissey still hasn't finished her final paper for French 84.

17. At long last "legal"; happy belated birthday to Heidi Reich!

18. Adam Lehman is reportedly missing from Harvard Law School. Experts fear that upon a recent visit to Dartmouth, Adam stopped to greet so many passers-by between Russell Sage and Hitchcock that a permanent limbo state between the buildings was created, trapping Adam inside.

19. Despite the financial allure of her topsecret computer job with the navy, LindaKelly hopes to escape from Syracuse sometime soon.

20. No more news —just thought I'd continue the tradition of saving the wonderful Wendy Zug for last.

Facts: 2,6,9,11,14,15,17,19. The rest are unfounded lies any resemblance to actual truth is purely coincidental.

Actors Theatre of Louisville, 316 W. Main, Louisville, KY 40202