The Prophet Plutonium

ON NOVEMBER 7, 1990, a new theory explaining the reason for everything was born here at Dartmouth. Put simply in the words of its author, "Every thought and action has been ordered by die plutonium atom." Hanover Inn kitchen worker Ludwig Plutonium (that's his legal name), created the Plutonium Atom Totality (PAT) theory that, he says, explains all the mysteries of the universe.

Plutonium has become a well-known figure among Dartmouth students, who often find him at the study carrels in Kiewit late at night. An astonishing number of students can recite his theory: at the center of the universe is a plutonium atom, replete with protons, electrons, and neutrons. To keep the electrons from flying away, the protons shoot photons to the electrons and vice versa, "like two tennis players hitting a ball back and forth," according to Plutonium. It is these very same photons which are sent out by the nucleus to everything in the universe, thus controlling everything. Dartmouth Physics Professor Joe Harris says that the PAT theory "is so far from the mainstream of physics that I just can't comment."

Plutonium was born Ludwig Polmann in Arzberg, West Germany, in 1950. He came to the United States in 1955 and his name was changed to Poehlmann. At the age of 16, his name was changed again to Hansen. In 1972 he received a B.A. in mathematics from the University of Cincinnati and in '79 a master's in math education from Utah State University under the name of Ludwig van Ludwig. He came to Dartmouth in November 1990 and spent his first week in Hanover camped out in the Dartmouth cemetery.

Why did he choose Hanover? Two reasons. One: "Kiewitisthe best computer center in the world. "And two: "Dartmouth sits on one of the largest deposits of thorium in the world. The radioactivity of the thorium is often accompanied by uranium. During one of my first nights here I somehow imbibed a uranium atom and that is now the locus of my brain." (Earth Sciences Professor John Lyons disputes the thorium-deposit claim.)

Beginning this fall, Ludwig Plutonium says he will take the Plutonium Atom Totality on the road to either M.I.T. or Princeton. But have no fear; he will be back because, he says, "Dartmouth will soon be the center of the galaxy."