CONFESSIONS OF A TOUR GUIDE

HI, MY NAME is John and I'm your tour guide. Behind me is Tucker Hall. No, wait, I think that's maybe College Hall. Anyway, volunteer things happen there.

This is an actual excerpt from a campus tour guide (name changed to protect the guilty) as he led prospective '97s and their parents around the Dartmouth campus. This first glimpse of Dartmouth gives students their most enduring impression of the school. So, are the tour guides giving the right impression?

I have to give you a biased opinion since I am a tour guide. I'm also a head tour guide, making sure five other tour guides do it right. It's hard to ask someone to volunteer to give a tour (Dartmouth is the only Ivy that doesn't pay its tour g-uides), ask them to show up every week and to get everything right. Despite these demands and the occasional breakdown, the tour guides do their job marvelously.

Do you know some of the questions we have to answer?

"Is there an ample supply of toilet paper?"

"How big is the endowment?"

"Do you drink beer? "

Do you realize all of the construction we have to deal with these days, as new communications lines and steam pipes are buried and buildings fixed up?

"Over here is...(jackhammer) ...Hall. It houses the departments 0f...(engine grinding).. .and religion. Next we have... ("Hey Bob, bring the crane a lit tle lower, will ya?")... social activity. Behind me is... (small explosion).. .any questions?"

Do you realize the... other things we have to deal with?

Listen to tour guide Rory Goode '95: "It was my first tour of the term and I was being critiqued (by one of us head tour guides). Going by Beta, two brothers streaked the tour group. I was the only one who closed his eyes. Moms, dads, and children just kept staring. All I could say was, 'That's not typical of frat row, but it's appropriate.' Later on, I told the group about Dick's House,

where they give out free contraceptives. A mother and daughter made a quick excuse and left. It was hell."

Listen to tour guide Amy Nevin '94: "One week my roommate followed me the entire tour, asking questions the whole way, ranging from 'ls everyone from New Hampshire who goes here or is it kids from all over?' to 'lf I wanted to transfer in as a sophomore, would I be required to live in the college dormitories as freshmen are, or could I live off campus?' Of course, I had to either laugh at the questions or cringe because I had no clue as to the answer. Meanwhile, she stood in the back of the pack, making faces the entire way while I walked backwards, and commenting how beautiful the campus is. Finally she asked, 'Are there any good student bands on campus?' Meanwhile, she has been the keyboarder for the Foundation Blues Band all summer. I really appreciated that one."

Despite an occasional stutter or mistake, I think we do a good job of showing off the school, in spite of the Herculean problems we have to cope with. And when you bring your son or daughter, grandson or granddaughter to look at Dartmouth, please keep in mind that we're trying our darndest.