1980
Tales from the Crypt, Chapter VII: If April showers bring May flowers, and May flowers bring pilgrims, what do my articles bring? Well, besides various ailments, they bring the end of the month. Check the calendar, kids. Yup, another 30 days have come and gone. So grab yourselves a sandwich (avacado and onion my favorite), sit back, and enjoy the latest from the man who's helping you forget Howard Cosell, the Elephant Man, J. R. Ewing, and other American heroes.
I recently received a letter from Tom"Thumb" Camman who is way out west with Jeff Descombes in Southern California. T. C. feels I've got a "slightly slanted" view of that lost bastion of opportunity, home of the hot tub and the seven-day weekend, stomping ground of surfers, starlets, mud slides, and Timothy Leary. Anyway, when Tom and Jeff aren't busy changing lightbulbs, they play in a rock band. They even incorporated their own sound company. (Jeff was VP-at-large; Tom was VP-at-small.) The biggest news is that the boys will soon relocate to a newly purchased condo in Montclair. "Good mortgage rate," says Jeff. "37 and a half per cent," says Tom. Enough said. The house even faces the ocean (I didn't say which one) and is strategically located on the San Andreas fault. Happy landings, boys.
Another county heard from is DavidChilcote, who's happily embezzling at the National City Bank in Cleveland. Climbing the corporate ladder rung by rung, Chili just got a small promotion with an even smaller raise attached. To celebrate, he moved into a house in suburban Chagrin Falls (no misprint). What's more, when the lanky one is not busy with bank work or painting the house, he's attending business school at Case Western Reserve University.
A woman's work is never done . . .
The latest version of the Kingston Trio has been haunting New York's lower east side since September. Gretchen Kryusman (Mobil, account executive and future mechanic) and MaryAnil McDonald (Food and Wine Magazine, advertising) and Carol Krensky (1.8.M., chairman of the board) are all nestled cozily in their tenth-floor walkup. They also are the superintendents of the building. They remove trash, sweep, wash, and wax the halls. I think that's splendid. The domestically minded ladies simply weren't getting enough to clean in their own place so they took their act on the road. It's sure to be a hit.
Spanky's believe-it-or-not: I just got a news flash from that old defender of injustice, BillCay. "Here is one that I'm sure would delight your readers. I started January 6 down in Hudson, N.H., at Benson's Wild Animal Farm. Position: assistant trainer! Wait, wait, before you fall off your chair, I should mention that the six-month position includes a two-month stint in the Australian Outback with the head trainer, Claude Laßousseau (no relation to Inspector Clouseau). We will be selecting over 25 specimens to bring back from the state game preserves over there." So we might also look forward to Bill's role in the upcoming film Looking for Mr. Goodbear.
Another Outback veteran, Dave O'Connor, just returned from Australia. Doc played lacrosse all summer and fall in Adelaide and then chased koalas and kangaroos around the rest of the continent for a while. Along with teammate Steve O'Neil '79, Doc tore up the Aussie lax league and was a fearsome scoring threat all season. Apparently, Dave honed those particular skills while training in San Francisco on his voyage west. He's now living at home in Princeton (hiss . . . ) and working for a weekly television show which highlights all the nice things about New Jersey. It's called "60 Seconds."
Another 'BO lacrosse star to go down under is Ellen Remsen, who'll be leading the U.S. women's team in another defense of its world title this summer in Australia. Remsen's latest accomplishment: She was recently elected cocaptain of the U.S. squad. Yowzah . . . Ellen, what's your next goal? Governor? Senator? "Well, Mike," she says, "the only bad thing about political jokes is that too many of them have been getting elected recently ..."
Keep reading and I'll prove that P. T. Barnum was right when he said there's a sucker born every minute . . . When spotted last, DanFreihoffer was working as a foreman during the construction of a water-treatment plant in Maryland. Fry amazed the sporting world when he trained for all of two weeks before running a marathon. A marathon? After two weeks? That's about as funny as a flash flood in a fizzie factory.
Fry's old partner in crime, Mark "TheGrinch" Hatch is working for the Vermont Alliance in Winooski (sounds like an intestinal disorder). The Alliance helps low-income Vermont families organize into grassroots networks to effect favorable changes in the legislature. And you thought the Grinch stole Christmas . . .
As-the-brides-go-tearing-by (sort of): Here's the latest chapter in the "Dropping-Like-Flies Journal." Paul Mourning has made it official. Yup, it's going to be legal. He's announced his engagement to Lisa Mendelsohn '79. That's great, Earl. I think the wedding will be sometime this summer. Earl thinks so, too. And congratulations are in order for CathelMcCleod, who's engaged to the former Miss Massachusetts. My goodness!
From Charleston, S.C., comes word that Cami Crone has forever forsaken the raw northern winters for the straw hats, cocoa butter, and prom drinks of the South. When she's not working on her tan, Cami is working at the local television newsroom (I've heard about those "action-cams") and is taking M.B.A. classes at the Citadel ("ten-hut").
Beloch-of-the-month goes to Andy Graham, Bankers Trust's embezzler-in-training. The littie rascal wins the ultimate distinction for his impersonation of a mechanical bull in a china shop. Grambo became the life of a recent party when he knocked over a glass bookcase. Huge explosion, glass everywhere, music stops, all eyes are on this month's award-winner. He surveys the damage, finds no holes to crawl into, and calmly asks, "Anyone have any glue?"
Well, that's all she wrote, folks. Tune in next month when our features will be the aerial photography of Kate Smith, an interview with leftist guerilla Manual Labor, and ten ways to beat the Moral Majority. Until then, remember that diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.
P.S. Where did Van Gogh?
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